Depression Sucks

I've battled depression for a long time. It's only the last couple of years that I have medicated it. While on medication, I felt great. When I started meds, it was very hard to get adjusted. There was a long time where I felt numb with no highs nor any lows. I felt almost emotionless. In comparison to the extreme lows that I dealt with prior to meds, the emotionless-ness was kinda nice. Being on the meds for a while now, I feel like a normal person. I feel like the person that I thought I always was inside, but was never able to keep stable. I have normal highs and lows and it's nice.

I have gone through times where I think, if I have to be on meds the rest of my life to feel this good, then so be it. I have no problem doing that. Then I tend to think, maybe I'll be just fine without them. I can handle my emotions now.

Then a time like this week comes. It seems to always come when I'm on a high and feel like maybe it's time to wean off the meds. I went to refill my prescription for the month and without a phone call, email, or anything they didn't refill my prescription. The next day the pharmacy told me they needed to get the ok from my PCP. They had to fax a request and were waiting for who knows what, to do that! Long story short - 3 days later, I get my refill. Well, with antidepressants you can't just quit cold turkey. There are side effects. It effects everyone differently, but with me, it hits hard. And not only do I have withdrawl type effects, I'll have effects going back on them and getting the meds back in my system. So yea....depression and all that goes with it...SUCKS! I feel like I can't get ahold of my emotions. I feel sick, literally. I can't eat, I have the shakes, I have a huge headache, I get dizzy, and can't stop crying. Those are just a few of the things going on.

I just wish that depression wasn't so taboo to talk about. It is real. And you have NO CLUE what it's like until you are in it. Seriously. You don't. You can't. There is no way to express nor understand the feeling if you've never dealt with it. No matter how much you've read or heard, you'll never know. Consider yourself seriously lucky. It sucks.

Playdough Time

These kiddos love playdough. I always make it homemade because I can't stand the smell of the store bought stuff! So last weekend we spent a few hours (yes, hours) playing and building and smooshing! The giraffe by itself is obviously mine! The rest is all the kids doing!

Mmmmmmmmmm

This is what happens after the kids finish their dinner and we take a plate of dinner to Daddy at work....

More soccer news

Mia has been taking it easy the last couple of weeks. She has become timid for some reason and lost her "drive". She started following the ball and not going after it. What the heck??

Last weekend we had a 9 o'clock game, and she was back! She scored.....are you ready for this??

NINE GOALS!

Did I have my camera? Of course not! Ugh.

The girls have two more games this season and then we can have our Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays back! Whooppee!

Oh, You're Right Mom!

A Cal crack up...when he sees something somewhat new to him, he'll ask you what it is. For example, he sees a pillow and says, "What's that Mom?" to which I reply, "That's a pillow, Cal." and with great excitement he responds, "OH You're RIGHT Mom!" Like I've just been quizzed and now he's amazed I got the right answer. or I just won a million bucks.

That kid, he cracks me up!

This may sound morbid

An old friend of ours just passed away. It's been many many years since we've seen them or had any contact with them. She was sick for as long as I think I knew her. I was wandering the husband's facebook tonight and I just broke. I can't imagine. The thought of my kids missing me if something were to happen. It completely breaks my heart. As it would any mom. I just can't shake the thought. If you read this, please say a prayer for those kids. They are small kids without a Mommy now and it seems they are really struggling.

Sorry for the morbid post, just had to voice my heart here for a moment.

He Understands

I had a rough time getting Calvin to transition into his toddler bed. He would just crawl out the moment I put him in. Nothing worked to get him to stay in bed other than me laying on the floor until he fell asleep. I grew tired of that drill very quickly and had to train him somehow. However, he didn't respond to anything I tried. I warned of a time out, to which he would reply, "Yes Mommy, I go in time out." I would tell him over and over sternly, "STAY IN BED CALVIN!" I tried the Super Nanny technique of returning him to bed saying nothing. To which he would immediately get out of bed. GRRRRRRRRR

I completely lost my patience one night after about an hour and countless times of returning him to bed. I closed his door and stood outside holding it closed. While he was screaming and crying inside the room, I was crying and praying outside of the room. I had come to my end and had no idea what to do. I was mad and completely frustrated. As he and I cried on opposite sides of the door for two minutes I prayed, "Please God, I am in desperate need of wisdom here. What do I do?"

I opened the door, hugged him and cried with him. I told him that I loved him and that he needed to stay in bed. We both calmed down and I returned him to bed. I prayed with him again, kissed him again, and said good night again, and left the room. He didn't get out of bed again that night. Had I figured out his currency? Had that really worked?

The next 3 nights, I warned him that if he got out of bed, Mommy was going to close the door for two minutes. He pushed the limit and had to have the door closed while he screamed and cried on the other side.

He no longer gets out of bed at bedtime! Until tonight. I put him to bed and went in to pray with the girls. When I came out of their room, he was in his doorway waiting for me. I walked him back to bed and asked him what will happen if he gets out of bed. He replied with, "Mommy will close the door. And then I will be sad. I stay in bed and Mommy, you leave the door like that." Not just a sentence of understanding, but a paragraph of complete acknowledgment of behavior and consequences. What a smart cookie we have on our hands. I love this little guy. He is a crack up, and he melts our hearts at the same time!

Check out Mr. Calvin

My new favorite pictures of Calvin. He's now 2.5 years old and is a total HAM! He talks in complete sentences with nearly complete clarity. He cracks us up constantly. The other morning he asked me for a book to look at. I gave it to him and he looked over the back cover, sighed and said, "Never mind Mom" LOL He also told me the other day, "Mom, I'm poopy. Please change me." Yea, we're working on potty training!

He has become a little sassy pants now too...thanks to his sisters. When Mike was reprimanding him and telling him that what he was doing wasn't funny, he replied with, "Yes, Daddy it IS funny." Ugh. When do they learn this stuff? It is far more difficult raising a child when you have others there to influence them along the way! He talks way more than the girls ever did, and I'm convinced it's because he hears them constantly talking in sentences and using their imagination. He loves to play Polly Pockets with them. He has his own little house that they give him and he converses right along with them. "Come here, darling. You sit here." or "Knock, knock, anyone home? I'm here!" He is truly a complete crack up!

First 2008 Otter Day

Now we have both girls receiving Otter Awards! We're so proud.

Mia got one on the first assembly of the year at the end of August. Her's was for Responsibility. She truly loves school. She loves to finish all her weekly homework on Monday nights. And likes to play soccer at recess, taking the ball away from the boys! She's an animal!

And Jules got hers during the month of September for Caring. She is also loving third grade. I am having fun talking about school with her. Having taught the same language arts program that she is learning, I know exactly what she's learning. She is often surprised as I can tell her about the story that she just read!

Worship

A few weeks ago, Mike had the opportunity to lead worship outside with Tom & Nicole and Lily. It's been a long time since his schedule has allowed this. It was a great time of worship! Can't wait till the next time!