I've battled depression for a long time. It's only the last couple of years that I have medicated it. While on medication, I felt great. When I started meds, it was very hard to get adjusted. There was a long time where I felt numb with no highs nor any lows. I felt almost emotionless. In comparison to the extreme lows that I dealt with prior to meds, the emotionless-ness was kinda nice. Being on the meds for a while now, I feel like a normal person. I feel like the person that I thought I always was inside, but was never able to keep stable. I have normal highs and lows and it's nice.
I have gone through times where I think, if I have to be on meds the rest of my life to feel this good, then so be it. I have no problem doing that. Then I tend to think, maybe I'll be just fine without them. I can handle my emotions now.
Then a time like this week comes. It seems to always come when I'm on a high and feel like maybe it's time to wean off the meds. I went to refill my prescription for the month and without a phone call, email, or anything they didn't refill my prescription. The next day the pharmacy told me they needed to get the ok from my PCP. They had to fax a request and were waiting for who knows what, to do that! Long story short - 3 days later, I get my refill. Well, with antidepressants you can't just quit cold turkey. There are side effects. It effects everyone differently, but with me, it hits hard. And not only do I have withdrawl type effects, I'll have effects going back on them and getting the meds back in my system. So yea....depression and all that goes with it...SUCKS! I feel like I can't get ahold of my emotions. I feel sick, literally. I can't eat, I have the shakes, I have a huge headache, I get dizzy, and can't stop crying. Those are just a few of the things going on.
I just wish that depression wasn't so taboo to talk about. It is real. And you have NO CLUE what it's like until you are in it. Seriously. You don't. You can't. There is no way to express nor understand the feeling if you've never dealt with it. No matter how much you've read or heard, you'll never know. Consider yourself seriously lucky. It sucks.
6 comments:
I love you Jeni! I hope you know that. Hang in there sweetie.
I'm sorry, Jeni. I applaud you for willingly speaking out about your experience. Your honesty could potentially help others who are going through the same experience but are too embarassed or afraid to talk about it. I, myself, am praying about and considering going back on anxiety meds. Though I've never dealt with depression, I have been on anxiety meds before and quit cold turkey to get pregnant w/ Aiden. It wasn't smart of me to quit cold turkey, and my symptoms are creeping back into my life. I have said for so long that I felt the Lord took the anxiety and panic attacks from me, but now I feel like there is a battle going on. I know Satan would like nothing more than for me to fall. I also know that I felt much better when I was on meds, and I want to make the best decision. In a way, this post reminded me of what I am going through right now, and it was encouraging to know that I am not alone (even though we're going through different things at the core). Thank you for sharing this! *hugs*
Jenny (PW Jenny) (;
Jeni, you break my heart. I am praying for you. No, I don't know exactly how you feel, but some of the people I love most in the world suffer from exactly what you describe. So, I understand a little bit. I love you - I wish I could take it all away.
Glyn
Sorry you are going through this Jeni! Hope all gets better soon!
I love you and so does the Lord Almighty!
K
Thank you for putting in writing so eloquently what you and many others are struggling to manage. We love you and are always here for you. Hang in there-- love Greg and Melissa
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